“Crazy Bamboo Monkey Sex” (Evelyn’s Bad Date Story)

I’ve had some really bad dates and I wanted to share two of them with you. I told my friend’s mom about them and she thought they were hilarious so I decided that y’all might think they’re funny, too. The first was a guy I was on my second date with. The first date went really well and I thought he was a sweetie. On the second date, all of a sudden he started talking about women’s roles; how women should be “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen” basically, and that’s why he liked dating “foreign” women, because they’re much more submissive than American women. At another point I was talking about the fact that I’ve always wanted to take kickboxing lessons and he said, and I quote, “Do you seriously think a guy would open the door for you after knowing you take kickboxing lessons? The only lessons women should take, if at all, are like, ballet lessons.” Jackas*s.

The second guy was even worse. It was again our second date. I thought he was a little odd on the first date but decided to give it a another try. We were going to a carnival type of thing in another borough but he got lost while we were driving there. He then proceeded to tell me he didn’t really care about being lost and would rather find a hotel to go f*ck in or a quiet place to park his car, and have sex there. How romantic. I obviously said no. He stopped the car and said, “Listen. I really have no desire to talk to you at all. Are we going to have crazy bamboo monkey sex or what?” He apologized immediately after but still, it freaks a girl out. Di*khead.