Psychologist Dr. Angelica Perez – "Why Can't I Believe That Guys Want More From Me Than Just Sex?"

QUESTION: I’m a fan of SoLatina and really need some guidance. I’m a 25-year-old single mother of a 3-year-old boy. I was raised in a very traditional Dominican home back in DR. You know, the kind that no le permitia a los ninos hablar o “meterse” en conversaciones de adultos. Que cuando iban a visitar a una casa ajena lo primero que me decian “No te atrevas a hacerme pasar una verguenza…si te ofrecen agua no la aceptes si yo no digo que si…” etc.

Well, I am not very sociable, and extremely sensitive and quiet. I feel that the way I am does not allow me to really enjoy life to the fullest. I feel lonely because I can’t seem to find a good man or partner. I haven’t dated much but I’ve talked to guys and almost the first thing they want is sex before even getting to know me. So I stop talking to them. My son’s father and I had a relationship for 4 years. I was 100% devoted to that relationship because he was my first boyfriend and I loved him. After awhile, though, he changed his mind and started treating me like sh*t. So it was a mess, a bad mess. I had to leave with my baby, broke and and with my self-esteem on the floor. Because I’m very old-fashioned I do not feel comfortable changing partners. Since my son’s father and I separated almost 3 years ago, I haven’t had any partner. I have someone I’m interested in but I feel he’s not the right person for me because most of the time he often brings up the subject of sex when we talk. It makes me feel comfortable. I rarely go out or drink alcohol and feel that sex is an act of love. I know I am different than many people my age. They often make fun of me because of the way I am. I have a “friend” who reminds me that I am not getting any younger and if the opportunity presents itself to have sex with someone than I should do it because I am a grown adult and there is no such thing as the right man. She says I am wasting my time and my youth. Is she right?

DR. PEREZ’ ADVICE: You are absolutely not alone when it comes to feeling confused because you have values that are different from mainstream society. You should feel proud of the values that your family passed on to you, and of your cultura. Having said that, don’t let these values limit you.

You mention being interested in someone that you like, but you don’t respect the fact that he wants to have sex with you. It is possible that all he wants from you is sex. But it is also possible that giving yourself and him a chance to have sex can be one of the ways you can both get to know each other. It’s all in the way he approaches you about sex. If this is the “only” thing he tells you he wants from you, and he offers nothing else in the form of friendship, then perhaps this guy is not the right guy.

It might help you to talk to someone you trust and admire about your values, your perspective on life and relationships, and your fears. Often times we think we don’t want to do something because we think it is wrong, when it actually has more to do with fear.

Part of experiencing personal growth is taking risks (not health risks, of course) and doing things that feel different. This will help you develop a strong core and great confidence.

I wish you the best,

Dr. Perez

Dr. Angelica Perez is the founder of New Latina. New Latina is a place to connect, educate, inspire and celebrate today’s Latinas. OUT with the old stereotype, IN with the NEW Latina. Celebrating ALL that we are! Please visit New Latina!

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