Recently I was faced with the task of looking through my wardrobe and getting rid of the things I no longer needed, never wore or that just really never fit my style or who I am. By the time I was done I could fit my whole wardrobe into a small storage bag. One small plastic bag.
It was at the end of this “clearing out” process that I realized just how much of myself I’d lost throughout the years and really saw what I had become: A less caring, lost girl who didn’t know who she was any more. During my many “wonderlands,” somewhere in one of those worlds along the way I lost my inner-self and sense of inner beauty. Where had I gone? Where was I hiding? Where was Maria Magdalena Baez? The once chic, trendy girl I used to know. A girl who would never walk out the door without looking like what I felt I was: fabulous. What happened to that girl who would walk around with a smile on her face and without a care in the world? A girl that nothing could hold back or make her feel like she was worth any less. Where is that past inner beauty that used to follow me everywhere, coming out through my eyes and being spoken to the world through her smile. The girl who could light up a room with her presence, and always made people feel at ease and as if they could confide anything in her. Where was she hiding? It was like I was searching for a missing person. I felt like I should be seeing pictures of her posted on missing-person fliers on light poles and on the sides of milk cartons.
Finding something that was once lost is not easy; along the way there is self-discovery… wondering where it all went wrong…. and moments of truth where you just break down emotionally, physically and mentally…
I finally realized it’s not about my weight. It was me all along who let “her” (the old me) slip away. It was me who let her leave without a trace. I let her go without a goodbye or farewell. And now I want her back but don’t know how to get her to return. I will not give up nor will I ever stop searching for her. For her inner beauty is something I want again… something I will forever seek. Because that inner beauty is worth more than anything else I’ve ever lost in this world. It’s worth more than any piece of jewelry, clothing or object that I own. I wish for nothing more than to see her return. I want to feel the way I felt once upon a time, before I let her slip away…. and one day I know I will awake to her, and will greet her with open arms… ’cause she’s a part of me that I miss and a part of me that I long for.
And with her return I know one I will be back to the person I used to be, who was full of what is most important: inner beauty.