I’ve been dreading following up on my blog because that means that I have to admit that there’s something wrong with me. That even though I attempt to be strong and refuse to let my emotions take the best of me, I am, hurting. I hurt because I still have so much anger, so much hurt, so much pain. I am so smart that I’m stupid. When it comes to academics, I’m very good, when it comes to life, I’m stupid. Even after my divorce and raising two children, I made the same stupid mistake. Actually, it’s the same one from my first blog, MR. Buddy. It seems that his actions don’t fail to impact my life in one way or another.
I never mentioned that I was pregnant and that on Sept. 25th a baby boy was born prematurely at 26 weeks. He only lived to be 3.5 weeks old. He passed away on October 19th at 2:12am. He had a cardiac arrest. Mr. Buddy never met him, hell, he never saw me during the 26 weeks. How can someone that you loved so dearly cause you so much pain? All of a sudden, his family wanted to be involved and I appreciate that, but not even the own father was around. I’m so mad and so angry that I can’t stand it any longer. I pretend that everything is ok, and I don’t cry because if I do, I won’t stop. I have so much anger! I was there when he hadn’t seen his own three kids for about a year. I drove to another state to pick them and made it possible for him to live a better life, and he was 10 years older than me and a Marine…what kind of Marine is he? Since the separation, his own ex wife confirmed that he has not seen the kids. Basically it’s been about 7 months. He was able to go California, and to Phoenix but not Yuma, and that’s where his kids are at.
I have always had a good man in my life, but I have never been able to feel that way. He’s been a great friend and my own two children call him daddy because he’s been around since my second pregnancy and never has he tried to take advantage of any situation. He was with me at the hospital, and was there during my custody battles and was there when Mr. Buddy broke my heart. I just don’t feel the same way he does, but now, as I see myself in the mirror, I realize how stupid I have been.
No real man abandons his own three kids. No real man avoids his premature child, no real man ACTS LIKE THAT.
I wish I would have listened to all those people that told me he was no good. Hell, even his ex told me that he was a great manipulator but to watch out because a man like that, couldn’t be trusted. She was right.
I wake up every day and try to make it seem like nothing changed, that everything is ok, but its not…I go through phases, I’m strong, I’m weak, I’m angry, I’m happy…I put on faces because I don’t want anyone to know just in how much pain I am in. I wish I would have never met him, I wish I would have just stayed away like I was told. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, but I can’t. Like my good friend told him when I was in the hospital, “she’s a smart girl that made some bad choices”…now that the choices have been made, I have to get up, and move on. I just don’t know how I could ever forgive him? Is it even my place to forgive him? Is there a way to send out a mass message to all women in the Arizona, Nevada, California and Florida area to warn them from him? This pain, I don’t wish even on my own worst enemy.
There are things that remind me of him, and I hate myself for that. I hate every minute I wasted, I hate every tear I shed. All that money that I wasted trying to get this man on his feet. How does a 23 year old end up taking care of a 33 year old Marine that used her? What happened to the girl that had an answer for everything and was on top of the world at all times? I miss her.